I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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