not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
