And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
