Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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