I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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