totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
