So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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