I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
