Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
