here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
