I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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