I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
