***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
