Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
