I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
