i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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