I'm lost and stupid without you.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize