got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
