I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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