Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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