so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
