New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
