dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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