I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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