she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
