I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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