I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
