She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
