Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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