just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
