I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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