I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
