I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
