My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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