I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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