Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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