beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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