Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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