maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
We are two peas in an std pod
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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