Have you finally orgasmed yet?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
