I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Randomize
