cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
