I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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