Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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