he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Randomize
