U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
