Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
why do cheetos always look like penises
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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