I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
