my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
