Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
