I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Randomize
