plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
