Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
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