Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
