Ambien. No doubt about it.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
