his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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