last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
