Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
